All men have normal fears. That isn't a sign
of weakness, just a reaction to reality. In understanding these fears
we need to consider two things...the things that are feared and the intensity
of fear. While most men fear the same things, the level of fear can be
different. Some men can become neurotic regarding a certain thing, the
symptoms of which are no fun to be around.
Let's begin this discussion by looking at ...
The Things That Men and Husbands Fear...
The things that men fear can be placed into four separate categories...
1. fear of failure
2. fear of rejection
3. fear of revelation
4. fear of subjugation
Fear of Failure... Men have been taught throughout childhood that success
and self-worth are synonymous. They learn at early age that they must
succeed in everything they do in order to be accepted as a worthwhile
human being. Failure in any endeavor is just not acceptable.
That means they must succeed in school, in vocation, in all relationships,
as a husband, as a father, as a breadwinner and as a lover. Any suggestion
that they are not fulfilling a specific role in the most admirable way
will create psychological problems that affect other relationships...including
their marriage. A man who thinks he is failing on the job, for instance,
will bring his feelings home to often transfer them to wife and children.
Fear of Rejection... Tied closely to the fear of failure is the fear of
being rejected...because he is failing.
The areas of his life that are important to him are his fortress and foundation
on which he builds self worth. To most men their vocations and family
are top priority. More intimately they must feel total acceptance sexually
by their partner. They need to be acknowledged as the "authoritative
head of the household" by the wife and children. They need professional
confirmation by their colleagues that they are an important and indispensable
part of the corporate machinery.
The feeling that someone else could possibly take their place as worker,
as husband, as father is a frightening thought to many men.
Fear of Revelation... Because of his fears of failure and rejection, a
man will also fear that he is revealing his weaknesses. For this reason
many men are afraid to reveal their "weak" emotions for fear
they are revealing their "weak side". They cannot share their
fears with the wife, for fear that she will see him as weak and unstable.
He cannot reveal his weaknesses in any way...fearful that others may see
him as less than a worthwhile man.
Fear of Subjugation... A universal neurosis of men is the fear of being
brought under control, or conquered, by the female species. This fear
has been exaggerated by the modern day "women's right movement"
where women now enjoy more positions of authority in the workplace and
home. Many marital arguments and divorce are created by the inability
to define the proper roles of husband and wife. Many men regard a woman's
requests or demands in the workplace and home as a threat to the male's
honorable responsibility as leader, provider and protector. A woman in
a police or military uniform only confirms this neurotic fear.
This brings us to the intensity of men's fears which reveals the reason
many marriages end up in divorce.
Neurotic Husbands...
The normal fears of men and husbands can easily become exaggerated to
the point that the man is "neurotically impaired".
The symptoms related to men's neurotic fears can be varied. Not all men
reveal their neurosis in the same way. Some men become explosive, argumentative
and domineering. Others become compulsive eaters, golfers, drinkers, workers,
television addicts, etc. Some men become totally uncommunicative so as
not to reveal their true feelings. Some become passive or shy, others
the strong and silent type, while some retreat and back off from any meaningful
conversations.
Some men even become more childlike with a "mother fixation".
Others become hypochondriac while some become the "playboy".
The fear of subjugation causes some men to become "neurotic tightwads"
in an effort to maintain control of the wife and family with money.
Whatever the fear and however it is expressed, men need help to resolve
their conflicts. While the fears exist a man cannot function well in the
roles he has been given. Fear drives out love and closeness. It threatens
every relationship and will ultimately drive away those who are close
and important in his life.
How A Wife Can Help...
This is not to suggest that a wife is responsible in solving her husband's
fears. She is not. But a wife can be a great asset and help-mate for her
husband. Here is a list of suggestions that might go a long way to helping
a man resolve his fears.
1. Analyze arguments and disagreements to determine what the real
cause was. Learn what is offensive to your husband and avoid it.
2. Do what you can to keep communications open. Don't allow him to
become passive and silent about his feelings.
3. Encourage your husband constantly. Build up his ego. Let him know
that you respect and depend on him...that you need him.
4. Never go to bed angry. Resolve your differences, don't allow them to
be pushed inward as something to boil and stew about.
5. Worship and pray together. Take the initiative to lead your husband
to
a deeper relationship with God.
6. Always be totally honest, truthful and open with your husband.
7. Don't refuse his intimate advances unless urgently necessary. Always
let him feel that you too enjoy romance and intimacy.
8. Make an effort to do nice things for one another.
9. Be forgiving...and do not bring up the issue again.
10. Try to fully understand the sociological pressures and demands that
have created his insecurities and fears. Don't be critical when you
recognize that he has fears. And don't be judgmental...for women have
their fears also.
Just as men, women have their fears. That does not suggest they are weak
or cowardly, but that they are human beings who must live in an insecure
world to perform their tasks as best they can.
Some of the fears of women are the same as those of men, but there are
things women and men fear that the other sex does not. Let's look at fears
that women primarily experience...not to say that some men may experience
similar ones.
Insecurity
A common fear of women and wives is of being insecure. That may translate
into all areas of her life to include financial insecurity, marital insecurity,
relationship insecurity (children, friends, etc.) or the feeling of being
insecure in her roles as help mate, mother or any other life task.
Disrespect
Women are terribly fearful of being treated as an object rather than as
a person. They are fearful of being used and abused by those who take
their life's role for granted.
Aging
Another fear learned by sociological conditioning is the fear of losing
her beauty, strength, usefulness and capability to exist as a worthwhile
human being due to old age. A woman must feel wanted and needed regardless
of age. But, according to social messages from the mass media, that is
no longer true when she grows past the child rearing years, when she loses
her youthful look, when she no longer is needed as a help mate.
Children
A final fear of women is their children. This fear can be summarized in
one simple statement...although the expressions of this fear are many
fold. A woman is fearful for the welfare and safety of her children...period.
Normal and Exaggerated Fears
These fears are normal. A woman is fearful of being insecure. A woman
is fearful of being used as an object rather than as a person. A woman
is fearful of aging...and she is fearful for her children. To express
these fears does not identify her as less than normal. But there are some
women who become so fearful of certain things that they become neurotic,
to behave in certain ways that are not acceptable for her welfare or for
those to who she wants to relate.
A neurotic woman can express her unrealistic fears by becoming overly
dominant or narcissistic. She can possibly become the "adult-infantile"
or the "martyr" wife. She may become passive or aggressive.
She may reveal her fears by becoming jealous and possessive...or she may
show her fears through depression.
Exaggerated fears are not normal and can have a devastating effect on
her relationships and her personal well-being. Once realized those fears
must be dealt with in a suitable way with the help of a counselor.
Mario Ardia